Thursday, March 5, 2015

Fat and Fearless: Flatulence

Today we're going to discuss the f-word. Flatulence. Farting. Forcing fumes through your anal opening. Because, let's be honest, if you're the biggest person in the room, you're going to be blamed for any foul scents that waft through the room, even if you KNOW it wasn't you, you will be blamed. For those of us who were bigger throughout our adolescence, we will feel the fear of letting one rip in any sort of public setting, or maybe even alone with our cats, because we know the shaming that will come.

After all, people with a bigger waistline are easier to insult for the average person anyway. I mean, we're insulted everywhere. In the media, on the internet, and to our faces. So when a thinner person toots, the people around them may just let it go. After all, she's pretty, who cares if she farts?? It's natural. But the MINUTE a plus-sized person lets out a fart the room is ablaze in laughter and people waving their hands at their noses in an attempt to get away from the smell and fake coughing and gagging. It's terrible.

So let's get some things straight. You know that children's book "Everyone Poops"? Well here's a concept. EVERYONE FARTS! In fact, I remember in high school seeing a news report that a person with a healthy colon should pass gas at least seven times a day. Divide that with 24 hours a day, that's right around one fart every three hours. And yes, our diet will affect this. Go get that Mexican Food with extra beans and yeah, it's gonna happen more often, but cabbage will do the same to ya!

Being in my adult years, I have made a conscious decision not to respond to farts in any way expect with people I know, love, and trust. But if you're in public, keep your mouth shut! You never know if it was the fat guy in the corner who already has self-esteem issues, or the little kids trembling next to his mother, terrified that someone's going to notice, or maybe it's that super fit lady in the corner who just had  a lunch of black beans and chicken.

Oh, and if you're plus sized and feel that pressure churning? Just let it go. Don't sit there in misery. Don't run out of the room in hopes of keeping other from noticing, that may make it even more noticeable. And you know what? If someone comments on it, take it with pride. Take in a deep whiff through your nose and say "Yep, that was me, just making sure everything's still working down there!" And go on with your life. Because WHO CARES!? Love your farts the same way you love your body!


  1. I'm going to have D read this because dude, I am forever farting...everyone in this house is forever farting.

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.