BAM! Love Yourself - Curly Hair, Don't Care

Ever since I was a child, I have idolized my mom. Whenever I went to the salon with her, I would watch in fascination as she would get her short hair permed. The wrapping of the hair, the addition of chemicals, sitting under the heater thingy as it set. It looked like all those glamorous ladies in movies of the 80's. So, sometime around third grade, I decided to get my own hair curled! I mean, it was one step closer to being the amazing woman my mom is!

The only problem is that I was in third grade and overweight, so already a target for bullying. Let's just say the perm took very well, I had amazingly tight curls, and kids LOVED making fun of me. If there was a spill on a floor, one of the boys would tease that they could just "turn me upside and use my mop hair to cleanup."  I used mousse back in the days before fancy mousse technology, so my hair was slightly crunchy. Girls would straight up touch my hair without my permission to show each other how "weird my crunchy hair is". I HATED IT! I didn't want other people touching me. I didn't want to be used as a mop! I just wanted to live with my curly hair.

But alas, after a few years, I gave into the bullying and broke down, quit perming my hair, and bought a straightener. After all, I had to keep my natural curl from coming out, even the slightest wave seemed like a risk for teasing. And if it was a risk for teasing, that meant it was ugly.  But I have very very baby fine hair. I have plenty of hair, ti's just very fine, and so my hair can only grow to about my shoulders, and it is very obviously fine when I straighten it, with almost zero body or volume. I lived for well over a decade, closer to two, feeling unhappy with my hair and constantly looking for an option to love it.

If I didn't blow dry it, my hair went up in a ponytail or bun so the natural wave wouldn't show through. My hair has some amazing natural wave, so my hair stylists always wanted to curl it and have fun. I'd let them do it, but be self-conscious of my curly hair all day, avoiding the mirror.  I had enough trouble keeping my hair straight in the desert in the summer. So I knew SOMETHING had to change when I learned I'd be moving to San Antonio, TX. While not the most humid place, San Antonio has a fair amount of moisture in the air, and any styling I attempted would be null and void around halfway through the day.

I gave in. I decided to go curly. When I moved to San Antonio, I stopped by Walgreens and bought some mousse and a blow dryer with a diffuser (SO necessary if you have fine hair and want it to be curly AND have body). It didn't take long for me to become used to my new style. In fact, I fell in love with it the first day! Besides the ease of styling, my hair fell so naturally into position around my face that it was like my hair was made to be that way!

Since making this change, I have become vainer than ever before. I love my hair. I love my looks. I love looking at myself in the mirror (though I still do have the occasional pony tail days, because life is hard sometimes). I have become the selfie QUEEN!! Don't believe me?  Here are some examples:

And these are just select selfies from my instagram, which I swore would NEVER be filled with selfies (whoops, guess self confidence fixed that).

So what's the point? For years I struggled with my hair, because I was teased in elementary school. For over a decade I avoided one of the key things that makes me feel beautiful!  What about you? What is your favorite hairstyle? Your worst? What is one thing you maybe feel inspired to go try again? Are you going to do it?! Do it! (Unless it's a mullet, rethink that, unless that's totally you, then do it!). Leave a comment below!

BAM! I am more than a physical stereotype!

With the amazing reception of my waterpark post, I was telling some of my coworkers (and friends, because my coworkers are my friends) about my blog and how excited I was at the views I was getting. I often describe my blog as a body acceptance blog, even though I do occasionally post about other things, like my life, my opinions, and my sleep habits. However, my whole life has been a rollercoaster about happiness, and while a lot of my problems have been rooted in other areas of my life, much of my disappointment, frustration, and sadness has come about from my discomfort in my own skin. As I have found amazing joy in body acceptance, it's something I want to spread to everyone.

When I mentioned that my blog is about body acceptance and my fat and fearless posts, I was surprised when a gentleman with a very fit body showed immediate excitement. I'm used to plus sized women wanting to read of my experiences, but it was the post I mentioned about the true purpose of the body acceptance movement that really got him excited. I texted him a link to my blog, and he actually read my posts! Last night he texted me. This text included the following: "I loved the part about the skinny teenage boy who can't bulk up because that was exactly my experience, and a big reason why I wanted to read it."

Now, he sent this text after I had fallen asleep, but I read it at about three in the morning on one of my nightly wakings. It got me thinking. I do the Fat and Fearless series because it's something I can relate to. I love to label myself as "the fat girl". But I want my blog to reach out to more people. This left me with a conundrum, how could I write posts to help the confidence of people that I can't relate to? How can I help the girl who is so thin, people tease her for having an eating disorder? Or the person with hair that they feel is too dark and coarse? Or even that skinny teenage boy who wanted to bulk up and couldn't? I've never been there. I've always been the fat girl.

And then it hit me, I am more than a fat girl! I mean, it's EASY to see who I am outside of physical constraints. I know that I'm a flute-playing, musicology student, animal-rights advocate (be happy I haven't gotten into THAT on my blog, because once I get started, I don't shut up.. hmm.. maybe I should add that to my blog...) who expands the title of crazy cat lady to a level previously thought impossible. But that's not going to help with body acceptance!

When I say I'm more than a fat girl, I mean it in the physical sense. Yes, I'm a plus sized woman, and yes I LOVE MY BODY, but I love so much more than the extra weight I carry around. I am pale. I don't mean this as a "white supremacy" thing. I am more pale than the average white person. People laugh at my paleness, heck, I laugh at my paleness! Once, while wearing shorts, my music minister tried to introduce my pasty white legs to the sun, since they had obviously never met in the 25 years of my life (all in fun and games, a big part of body acceptance is being able to laugh at your uniqueness).

I have big wrists, in more than the fat girl way. Tons of fat girls can still wear bracelets and such. Nope, it's all mens watches for these wrists. I have baby baby BABY fine blonde hair that I can't grow past my shoulders without it beginning to look scraggly and unkempt. It's also naturally wavy, but not a uniform wave, and bullying in the past has given me complexes about the curl in my hair that I only got over in the past two months! That's right, at the age of 25 I have FINALLY braved past bullying I received in fourth grade, over a decade ago.

I am freckly. Tons of people are, some wish they weren't. There are also tons of people who aren't, some of whom wish they were. I have two crooked fingers on my left hand. I have a hump at the base of my neck that was pointed out by a physical therapist and I still fret over. I have a scar on my forehead that I got in third grade. I bruise far too easily. I don't even have the hope of ever having a thing gap with these thunder thighs. I have "child bearing hips". My body shape goes between an hourglass and a pear depending on the day. The hairs on my toes grow too long. The right side of my face is more animated than the left giving me a crooked smile.

All of these things are uniquely me. And they're probably things that, for the most part, only I realize. And yet they're also all things I was able to list with ease at three in the morning and then list again hours later when I write this. Some of these I have learned to love. Some of these I am still learning to love. But you know what, they're all things about my body that bother me, and they all fit into the concept of body acceptance! So, in my new, upcoming series, BAM! (Body Acceptance Movement!), I have decided to focus on a different body part of body concept. Because, well, hopefully we all at least have skin and bones. And maybe as I focus on loving every inch of my own body, I can help my readers focus on loving every inch of theirs, even if they are the polar opposite of me.

Fat and Fearless: Waterparks!

With my recent move to San Antonio and the addition of a career that actually pays money, I wanted to treat myself to a mini-vacation. So off to Schlitterbahn New Braunfels I went! The weather was PERFECT for a waterpark, and I had a fatkini that had barely even been worn. Of course I was nervous! Fat people don't belong at water parks according to the general public, ESPECIALLY in bikinis. With my boyfriend being bigger as well, I spent hours googling information about weight limits. Only one ride had a weight limit, I was just in it, and my boyfriend's back injury would prevent him from going on it anyway. There was nothing at the waterpark that was preventing us from going.

When my boyfriend took my "before" picture, I felt gorgeous! I was rocking my bikini, I was feeling confident, and I was excited to have fun. And funnily enough, THIS FEELING DIDN'T CHANGE. I knew I was going to write this blog post and so I was really aware. I looked at people. As I passed them. As I stood in line. I made the distinct effort to observe those around me. Not ONE person gave me a dirty look. When I got in line for the only ride with a weight limit, I wasn't questioned, not once. No on called me fat or made Seaworld references. I even had conversations with various people, and they treated me LIKE A PERSON!

Thanks to the DryPak, I was able to take my phone on rides with me for even better selfies!

It wasn't until day two that I received ANY comment about my appearance. It was from two naturally dark-skinned people asking if I remembered sunscreen. Of course I did! I mean, I put it on, mutiple times! But yes, the ONLY comment about how I looked was my ridiculous paleness, not about my fat. When I went down rides, everything jiggled. People I passed had a beautiful view of my buldging stomach, my flabby arms, and my overly junk-filled trunk. Did some of them look at me and see a fat girl? Probably. Do I think people may have said in whispers that I shouldn't be wearing a bikini? Absolutely! Do I care? NOT A DARNED BIT! I had the time of my life. I focussed on the rides. On the fun. I wore my bikini with pride. I mean, it really showed off my figured. I teased the niece and the nephew of my boyfriend, who came along with us. I went out of my way to kiss my even bigger boyfriend in public, to embarass the niece. And even at his grandeur size, no one said anything to him. All we did was have fun!

OK, but maybe my stomach wasn't QUITE ready for the advancement in body acceptance. I am regretting the weekend just a bit, but only because I am in immense amounts of pain from a sunburn. Oh, and I just posted a pretty awesome video on YouTube of me riding a waterslide. You know you want to watch it! Do so HERE

Post a comment! What's your biggest fear of being a fatty at a waterpark, or what's your biggest accomplishment as such? Any lifehacks for waterparks?

Fat and Fearless: Flatulence

Today we're going to discuss the f-word. Flatulence. Farting. Forcing fumes through your anal opening. Because, let's be honest, if you're the biggest person in the room, you're going to be blamed for any foul scents that waft through the room, even if you KNOW it wasn't you, you will be blamed. For those of us who were bigger throughout our adolescence, we will feel the fear of letting one rip in any sort of public setting, or maybe even alone with our cats, because we know the shaming that will come.

After all, people with a bigger waistline are easier to insult for the average person anyway. I mean, we're insulted everywhere. In the media, on the internet, and to our faces. So when a thinner person toots, the people around them may just let it go. After all, she's pretty, who cares if she farts?? It's natural. But the MINUTE a plus-sized person lets out a fart the room is ablaze in laughter and people waving their hands at their noses in an attempt to get away from the smell and fake coughing and gagging. It's terrible.

So let's get some things straight. You know that children's book "Everyone Poops"? Well here's a concept. EVERYONE FARTS! In fact, I remember in high school seeing a news report that a person with a healthy colon should pass gas at least seven times a day. Divide that with 24 hours a day, that's right around one fart every three hours. And yes, our diet will affect this. Go get that Mexican Food with extra beans and yeah, it's gonna happen more often, but cabbage will do the same to ya!

Being in my adult years, I have made a conscious decision not to respond to farts in any way expect with people I know, love, and trust. But if you're in public, keep your mouth shut! You never know if it was the fat guy in the corner who already has self-esteem issues, or the little kids trembling next to his mother, terrified that someone's going to notice, or maybe it's that super fit lady in the corner who just had  a lunch of black beans and chicken.

Oh, and if you're plus sized and feel that pressure churning? Just let it go. Don't sit there in misery. Don't run out of the room in hopes of keeping other from noticing, that may make it even more noticeable. And you know what? If someone comments on it, take it with pride. Take in a deep whiff through your nose and say "Yep, that was me, just making sure everything's still working down there!" And go on with your life. Because WHO CARES!? Love your farts the same way you love your body!

Fat and Fearless: Airplane Travel

So I disappeared for a bit because grad school devours the soul from your life. However, it is Christmas break. This not only means a break from homework and the time to blog, but also time to travel. The concept of fat people on planes has often been a hot topic on the internet. It seems there is a monthly thread on Reddit for fat shaming bigger passengers. It seems that fellow flyers constantly look at overweight people as smelly, lazy, space-imposing burdens. I'm hoping to help alleviate this thought process right now.

As a frequent flyer, the ignorance of many people in these threads or conversations is sickening. Here's a bit of background on me. I fly, on a slow year, over 15,000 miles annually. On a high year I have been known to reach a total of 50,000 miles. I often venture overseas. I am definitely comfortable with traveling, and am constantly trying to improve my comfort while being thrust in the air a mile above sea level in a metal tin full of strangers.

For size, I am anywhere from a size 18 to a size 22, averaging at a size 20, or 2X in ladies. In inches, while standing nude, my hip circumference is approximately 52 inches. My thighs are around 16 inches a piece, so I guess around 32 together. My hips are the widest part of my body as I maintain a somewhat pear-shaped hourglass figure. To give a slightly more average point of view, I will use the opinion of my size 12-14 mother.

First, lets talk about seats, actually, that's really about all we'll be talking about today. Specifically, where to sit.  Nowadays, planes offer some seats near the front that have about 4-6 inches of extra legroom and recline a little further. These often cost about 10% more of your plane ticket cost (for example, on most domestic American Airlines flights, they are $24). Please note, these offer no extra space in leg room, so if you're nice and short like me, they are useless.

As a plus-sized passenger, I have learned through years of trial and error that the best place to sit is the aisle seat.  Even with my wider hips, I fit in a seat with both armrests down. However, it is a tight fit, and even my mother hates the arm rests. Below, I'm going to add two pictures of myself squooshed into these seats. This is where the fearless part of this segment comes into play.

If possible, fly with a friend or family member who doesn't mind bumping hips. This way you can keep the armrest up and not worry about it. However, to avoid bothering them, always book an aisle seat! On many domestic aircraft (and some international), the aisle armrest will lift with the trigger of a little latch on the underside! This means that you can leave your armrest down between you and the other passenger and allow your pleasantly plump self to spill out into the aisle.  Even if it doesn't lift, you can lean into the aisle a bit (keeping a constant eye out for flight attendants with beverage carts) to avoid taking up the space of your seatmate.

Windows seem to be the place where everyone wants to sit, so many of you may be discouraged by this aisle suggestion. I fail to understand this obsession with window seats. First of all, the armrests there DO NOT lift. Even if they did, you're right next to a wall, so leaning space is limited. There is nothing to see out the window. You are so high up, you're above the clouds, and while this can be pretty at times, it also can get monotonous. Finally, the windows are not insulated and this means less climate control. During the winter and at night, windows are FREEZING, and in the summer, you'll be begging for more air than the little fan can allow you. Just, give up the window. And for the love of all that is holy, do not sit in the middle. All that does is bother two other passengers rather than one, and you can't lean, at all.

Try to board as early as possible. Some flights allow you to upgrade to "Group 1" (which boards immediately after first class and loyalty program customers) for ten bucks. Not only does this usually guarantee you space in the overhead bin (I always check my luggage and then use my overhead space for my laptop), but it also lets you sit early. First thing, lift the armrest between you and the passenger next to you. They hopefully shouldn't be on yet. If the decide to lower it, or ask, then say yes with a smile and don't fight. However, just starting with it up may let them see that you need a little extra room. Additionally, take this time to fiddle with the aisle armrest and see if it works.

Once you've dealt with armrests, buckle your seatbelt. It doesn't matter if the rest of your row is there or not, as you'll not keep it buckled. However, do not wait til the last minute to learn that your seatbelt will not buckle, or will buckle very uncomfortably! Sit down. Buckle. If it doesn't work, hit your flight attendant button immediately and kindly ask for an extension. Great news! They aren't going to judge you. I have been so ashamed so many times to ask for this, and they are always so kind about it. In my experience, international flights have smaller seatbelts than domestic (no idea why) and American is the best with seat belt width, followed by United with Delta in the rear. Sorry, these are the only airlines I have flown religiously.

Ok, so you don't think any of these hints will work for you and you just want to buy an extra seat and take up all the room you want. Many times I have said that I wish there were a few rows with seats slightly wider (like they do with the  taller seats mentioned previously) for a nominal fee more. Many people like to respond with "They have this! It's called business class/first class." Ok, first off, first class often costs AT LEAST three times more than coach per seat. If you want two seats, don't go to business class as you'll end up paying more than the cost for just two seats. Additionally, the seats up there are not much wider. There is more room between you and the person next to you, they have much more leg room, and they recline much further, but extra hip room? Not so much.

If you are going to buy two seats, utilize that service to its fullest! Two tickets means you get TWO spaces in the overhead bin and two spaces under the seats in front of you. You paid for it, so utilize that double carry-on capacity. Ask for an extra drink or extra snacks. Spread out shamelessly. Do NOT let someone think its just an empty seat and they can sit there or sit their kid there. PROTECT YOUR SEAT - you paid for it.

Finally, be kind to your flight attendants. Their job is HARD - and they don't work on tips. They wear heels and skirts and have to stay up and sit in even more uncomfortable seats. Smile at them, thank them, apologize to them. If someone complains about your size, they'll complain to the flight attendant, and if you're already on her good side, she'll defend you! Happy travels, my fat and fearless friends! Love your body!

Plus Sized in Paris

I hope my amazing readers can excuse my lack of posting for a few weeks. I was on vacation and decided to take my vacation to its fullest, and that included no blog posting. However, this vacation inspired an amazing blog post.

While on vacation, I spent a week in Paris. Of course, I was self-conscious on the plane there.  Paris, land of thin people and supermodels. Paris, land of women who can eat bread non stop and four-course meals without gaining a pound.  I'm not kidding, I got eaten under the table by multiple super thin Parisian women.  These ladies have the metabolism of Gods, or something.  So of course, I was a little intimidated
 

Obligatory Eiffel Tower Selfie

However, I found something interesting.  I was a sort of hot commodity in Paris. Me, with my size 20 hips, pudgy belly, and cellulite ridden thighs and booty.  However, whenever I made eye contact with a man, he maintained it.  When I gave him a smile, he smiled back.  And, when I noticed this trend, and gave a flirty wink or raise of eyebrows, he returned it and occasionally approached me.  My first night, while getting a crepe at the creperie across the street from my hotel, I had a gentleman lean out his window and beckon me up to his apartment for some, relations.  He was jokingly referred to as my "boyfriend" for the duration of the trip.

Now, you could easily say these men were being friendly. Or maybe they were thrown off by a lady making eye contact. Or maybe they were being rude or sarcastic.  I don't care what you have to say, I saw what I though. I was actually attractive to these men.  Perhaps I was exotic. My well-proportioned curves at a thicker ration was new to these men, surrounded by women who belong on the runway.

I'm not saying I was the only fat person there. I'm saying that I was special.  And dammit, it boosted my self confidence more than ever.  Once, while walking down the street, a man stopped me and said "My God, you are beautiful."  I said thank you with eyebrows raised in shock, and then continued on my way.  I have walked tall ever since.  So half the guys in America are shallow freaks who won't give me two looks.  I am attractive, to some men, even if they're in Paris.  It's ok, I prefer a man with an accent anyway ;).  

Blog Post Brings Real Life Karma!!

Hopefully by now you have read my blog post, Fat and Fearless: Running.  I went on my Week 4 Day 3 run today. Ironically, early into my run, on the three minute jog portion, I saw an older gentleman sitting out on his smoke break. Older gentleman can either be the nicest people in the world, or the rudest, so I was terrified.  I smiled and popped out an ear bud as I passed. We exchanged "Good Morning"s.  He asked how my day was going, I responded, "Quite Well thanks." He responded "Well it looks like you're doing a lot of good." I felt great and kept running.

I took my 1.5 minute walk break and then began my first 5 minute jog portion.  I knew it would be hard, but I was already encouraged. Slowly, a red, beat up car pulled up, window down, slowed to my pace. I once again popped out the earbud and looked the driver in the eye. I was actually terrified, because I run in the street, and I was afraid this thin, beautiful woman would tell me to get out of the road or something of the sort.  Imagine my surprise when her first words were "I just want to offer you some words of encouragement."  She said I was doing great, I was admirable, to keep going! I ran through my 5 minute jog with a smile on my face and a spring in my step.

I was just finishing my 2.5 minute walk break as I passed another model-esque woman on the street.  She gave me a huge smile and waved vigorously. I, of course, returned it.  I wave and smile at everyone I pass, and I'm pretty sure I had passed her in days previous and she was excited to wave this time instead of giving me a look of confusion and shock. 

My jog ended quietly.  However, I didn't quit, and hit a longer distance than ever before. GO ME!  Then, I came home.  The events of the day really stuck with me, so I wrote a letter to the editor for the local paper about it.  And what happened? I got a phone call from the head editor saying he loved my letter and it would be Letter of the Day on Sunday. He said he got a smile and a bunch of encouragement out of it, and he wanted the rest of the city to do the same.

I think it's more than coincidence that this all happened 2 days after my fat and fearless blog post.  As the amazing Ellen says, be good to each other!

Fat and Fearless: Running

We fat people, we know why we're fat.  We know that there are ways to lose weight. Sometimes we don't want to, sometimes we're too lazy, and sometimes we're scared. Why would we be scared? Well, there's one undeniable fact. Fat shamers both want fat people to run and not to run, simultaneously.  They hate that we're fat, so OF COURSE they want us to run. Why the hell wouldn't they? But then, when we run, we burn their eyes with our bouncing blubber and their children are subjected to our flying flab!  Too many times have I seen letters online from "concerned neighbors" that someone would run, or even do yard work, in public while being overweight.

I have surpassed all of these and began the C25K app from Active.com.  Today I completed Week 4 Day 2. This day includes a 5 minute walking warm up, run for 3 minutes, walk 1.5, run 5 minutes, walk 2.5, run 3, walk 1.5, run 5, cool down for 5.  Despite the pain, the struggles, the torture, I kept going. At times, I yelled at myself not to stop, because I'm a stubborn fat lady, and verbally encouraged myself to keep going!

Before Pic, don't I look excited?

I run in the morning. It's required to beat the Texas heat.  If I don't get out before noon, I don't get out. Today, I even ran in the pouring rain!  Rain ain't gonna stop be!  I am so determined, I will do my run unless it's literally unsafe!  I run with running shoes purchased from the local running store, where they recorded and checked out my gait and then got them specialized to my feet.  My clothes are cheap and loose, as they should be. An awesome sweatband from Target.  I also run with my music and C25K app on my phone, which goes into this coolio pocket thing I bought from the local nicknack shop. Essentially it clips on my sweatpants and acts as a pocket, but is a lot cooler than a frisbee lol.

My C25K music playlist can be found here:: C25K Playlist.  I feel the key to running while fat, or thin, or out of shape, or a body builder is confidence.  I run outside because my severe motion sickness makes me ill on a treadmill.  Every time a car passes me, I look up. I attempt to make eye contact with the driver. I smile and wave. EVERY TIME! Sometimes they ignore me, but the very very few times I get a wave, it makes me do better, it makes me work harder.

I know where the dogs on my run live. Don't worry, they're all contained in fences. But you know what a barking dog can easily sound like?  A cheering crowd. That's right, those dogs aren't barking because you're too close to they're house. They're cheering for you! They want you to succeed! Smile at those dogs. Give them a thumbs up or a little "raise the roof" and keep running.  Their barks will follow you for quite a while, which will keep you running.

With C25K, they use time limits. However, my phone is in my pocket, and time is hard to judge when you're huffing and puffing and in pain. So, when I think I'm going to be needing to quit, I look up. I make a visual goal. That car, that sign post, that bush. It can be anything. When I reach it, I reassess.  Everytime, I know I can keep going until I'm told to walk. So I look up and find another visual point.  Moments after my run, I forget the struggles and the pain and feel nothing but pride

After Pic. Look at that smile, that pride... that sweat...

If you've been thinking about taking up running, do it! Now! Pay those $2 for the Active.com App (no, they have no idea I'm endorsing this).  Those $2 may be enough to make you want to not waste your money!  IF you need a good community, try Reddit, it's free, they're so helpful! They want you to succeed too!  And no matter what, have NO FEAR!

Next week I'll be running through Paris. I will be on vacation. I will be the fat girl huffing and puffing through the streets of Paris. And I will do it! Wish my luck!