Tuesday, June 24, 2014

The Commode Conundrum

Using the Restroom. Let's be honest, it's something we all do, it's physically impossible not to. This simple fact leads to a few things. First of all, bathrooms are literally everywhere. Restaurants, homes, airplanes, buses, they all have bathrooms.  Additionally, when we are in a place where there miraculously no restrooms or, perhaps worse, unusable restrooms, we often have to get creative in our restroom use. Bathrooms are one of my oddest quirks and often amount to my best stories, so I thought I'd go through four of the situations I find most common for restrooms.


I live alone with my mother and cats.  We have one bathroom in our home. Thankfully, we are very comfortable with each other. Seriously, she gave birth to me and changed my diaper for years, there are no secrets between us. Unless there's company, we leave the door open while using the restroom, for various reasons. Mostly it's because the cats will go nuts and drive us nuts if we close the door. Do you know how hard it is to do your business when there is scratching, yowling, and paws darting under the door. It's ridiculous. Also, we're two women and there is only one bathroom. Maybe she needs to blow dry her hair or put on make up while I'm in the shower.

However, I've heard of people who use the bathroom for solstice. Especially new mothers who just need five minutes to themselves to avoid their screaming children. And trust me, I get it, I could see that happening someday to me, provided I have children. But for now, it's just another room in the house


OK, as comfortable I am in the restroom at my own home, I HATE using the restroom in the homes of other people! I know it can be a solstice, a place of peace, and secrecy for them. Not to mention, they may figure out that I actually use the restroom. I mean, yeah, it's a fact, but for some reason asking permission to use a person's bathroom is forever ingrained in my head as a fearful and embarrassing action.  I may be sitting on your couch clenching every kegel muscle in my body and cursing myself for drinking that can of soda, but it takes a great amount of trust to use your restroom.

Honestly, I think it comes down to a fear of judgement. What if I'm in there too long? What if they hear me? What if they don't think I wash my hands good enough? God forbid I smell up the place or block up the toilet!! Many a time I have gone rushing home after chilling with friends to use the restroom.  This becomes especially awkward because I never like to leave too early.


Yep, it's weird, but I'm SO MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE in public restrooms than at a friend's home. Yeah, they're often gross. And there's really no privacy. People can easily peek through the little holes in the side of the door and look you in the eye as you do your business.  Not to mention the fact that if the lock doesn't work, an inattentive could stroll in on you doing your business.  Yikes!!  However, it's less personal. It's public. There could be twenty other people in there using the restroom with you. 

Now I travel a lot, and I have used many an airplane bathroom. I know that there is a limited amount of restrooms, a lot of people, and no where else to use the bathroom. I go in and get out as fast as possible. Actually, I'm a little prideful of my restroom speed on airplanes.  There are some people who seem to be enjoying their time in there though. Seriously, it's a small and cramped and smelly little area.  A correctly placed thing of turbulence could create a painful bump in an awkward area. What on earth are you doing in there for ten minutes. If two or three people go in and out while you're still in there, it's a PROBLEM man.

Oh, and avoid at all costs pooping on a bus. It's just common courtesy.


Any men who could possibly reading this can just tune out now.  We're going to talk about popping a squat. Rather, I'm going to recall a story from my days at summer camp.  Back when I was a kid, my mom sent me to a yearly summer camp. It was great, I loved every minute of that summer camp... except overnights. Overnights were when we took a hike and, instead of staying in our coolio raised tents with bunks just feet from a restroom, we roughed it by sleeping on the ground with tarps as our only protection and absolutely no restroom.  I loved every part of this, except of the lack of restroom.

I always have and always will suck at peeing in the woods or "popping a squat". Always, ALWAYS, I get it on my lets, on my pants, on my socks, on my shoes. It ends up a mess.  I wasn't raised in a family that camped, so my first year at camp was literally my first time attempting an in the woods urination. But one year, the stars aligned correctly. I stepped away from the camp ground, walked a while in the pitch black, and had the most beautiful, mess free, woods peeing EVER....

...Until the gleam of flashlights started coming towards me, nearer and nearer. In my attempt to get away from the camp, I hit a switchback in the path. And, coming down said path, was a group of boys our age. I pulled my pants up and ran away, my celebration of success quickly lost to the humiliation.

What about you? What are your experiences and your opinions on bathrooms. Do you use your home restroom as an escape? Are you comfortable using the toilet at your friends houses or public restrooms. And really, what are your potty tricks for the great outdoors?!


  1. It is a matter of considerable dismay to me, at least on road trips, that my bladder fills at a faster rate than my gas tank empties.

    1. But what about your coffee cup?

      I'm lucky to have a mom with a memory for bathrooms. She can tell you all the bathrooms on the route and give them a 5 star rating lol

    2. I try to avoid drinking in the car over long distances. Sometimes -- not always -- I even succeed.